In 1985, a drug smuggle gone awry led to a Black Bear discovering a duffel bags worth of cocaine deep in the Blue Ridge mountains of Georgia, for a few hours before it succumbed to an overdose, that Black Bear could’ve been considered one of the most dangerous creatures on planet earth. Enter Cocaine Bear, a dramatized retelling of the story, only this time cops, crooks and hapless citizens all run afoul of the doped-up predator.

Cocaine Bear squanders its larger-than-life premise. Offering a soulless, witless, and humourless film that seems uncertain if it’s a family film or a gruesome comedy. Characters are vapid, vain and forgetful, their jokes sparse and rarely eliciting more than a snark. It’s made even worse by a poorly animated black bear that is neither fearsome nor cute, brutalising its victims almost entirely off screen. Undecided whether it’s villain or victim. Everything about Cocaine Bear feels cheap and uninspired.

Cocaine Bear is a stupid movie in the worst way possible. It does not match the charm of mid 80’s animal monster movies, nor the early 200’s rejuvenation of the genre. It bears no charm. There are no redeeming qualities. Writer Jimmy Warden, known only for other garbage film The Babysitter 2: Killer Queen, must have written the screenplay in crayon. Elizabeth Banks’ (Charlie’s Angels ) directing is uninspired and ill-timed, offering neither tension nor laughs.
Kerri Russel (The Americans), Alden Ehrenreich (Solo: A Star Wars Story), O’Shea Jackson Jr. (Straight Outta Compton) and screen legend Ray Liotta (I certainly hope this was not his last movie) all try to make use of the kids-menu of a screenplay before them, with diminishing returns. Aaron Holliday (Euphoria) is perhaps one of the only redeeming qualities (that, and a brief chase scene with an ambulance that belongs in a better film), Holliday steals the scene (not very difficultly) as petty criminal turned therapist , Stache, who unfortunately vanishes halfway through the film with the hilarious phrase ‘you don’t have to tell me twice!’. When the bars this low you’d have more fun throwing yourself into a bear pit.

By the time it reaches its thankful final act, Cocaine Bear has slogged, slagged and dredged its way through every poor joke in the book, and when it does finally end in an unenthusiastic finale that does very little to lift the heartrate of those fast asleep in the audience, it comes as a great relief and an hour and fourty minutes too late.

Cocaine Bear is not a fun film, it is not worth a cheeky Saturday night at the cinemas with your nearest and dearest. It does not deserve a second life on streaming. Do not be fooled by the title, that is all this film has going for it. Every copy of Cocaine Bear should be ground into a fine dust and sprinkled atop the Blue Ridge mountains for all the Black Bears to snort.

1 / 5